I sit here with the weirdest question ever on my mind!!! As for telling you the details, you will never know, coz they will go with me to my grave..

Lets just say Situation One has Factor A, but does not have Factor B… and Situation Two has Factor B, but does not have Factor A. Both factor A & B are of equal importance to me…

So far my entire life has been defined by Factors A & B, I am the sum total of Factors A & B, yet here I sit presented with two equally unbalance equations. Technically here I sit with only one Unbalanced Equation because one Situation has been removed… but in hind sight it just appears so off, that so close - in time and factors - together yet so far apart these two Situations can be!!!

Its making me beg the question… what is more important to me… Factor A, or Factor B!
Neither… they are equal… and my sum will not balance until both are met!

Why is it that words continue to fail. They fail to fully express just about everything I feel!!
Emotions would be better off described visually, and its near to impossible to describe in words a visual experience…. to every person a description comes out different. For all I know… most of what I say on this blog makes absolutely no sense to anyone else but me… I dunno

I couldn’t sleep last night and so began thinking about life. I became quite melancholic, but when I tried to write what I was feeling down, nothing came to mind. I put some music on, and that helped because words stood out from songs. But now reading those words without the music they seem empty, worthless!!!

I did start thinking about how much of a wall I have truly built up in my life as a form of protection. How much of what I block, or keep bottled up should I let out. How much of it could I let out without there being any impact to me or to those around me… but I cling to them just because, I can and because I have always found safety in keeping things to myself.

What would happen if I let it all go? Would I be able to love without requirements? Would I be able to express myself better? Would people notice, or would it blow by like the wind? Its a load of questions… questions which I would only know the answer to if I did just let it go… it seems as though the biggest risk in life is having to risk it all.

Opening up and showing my true self…. scary!!! What would people think? What would I think?!

Its not enough, surely! There must be more to just letting it go, knocking it down… coz I have tried before, and yet here it is… still!!!

I’m empty, feeling nothing! I have no emotion, no happiness, no sadness. I am a void with nothing in it. A body of water with no ripples or wave. I am less a body of water and more a bowl of jelly. Somethings will effect me, I will wobble, but very quickly stabilise again, nothing stays with me. So maybe I an not an empty void, but a void filled with a substance of no emotion, no feeling

Not a rock, not an island! I cannot be alone, alone would be to remove the external objects that make me wobble. Without that wobble I fear I would not know or feeling anything. I desire to be more than a jelly substance! Maybe I am an island, but part of an archipelago, alone, solitary, but surrounded by others who also are alone, without connection.

What will soften me? What will connect me? What will make me a rippling liquid?

Coz the more I live, the harder I become! The harder I feel, the less I emote to the external objects!!

[ri-ley-shuhn-ship] :- an emotional or other connection between people

Okay so we all seem so besotted with dating, relationships and getting married. Its like everyone’s ‘ultimate’ goal in life is to land up married… I’ve been thinking and talking to a lot of people about this lately. Its like as young adults we feel as though life has not begun until we have found that other ‘better half’. Its becoming increasingly seemingly useless to me… I am not keen on bringing life into this world, not in its negative downward spiraling of moral, financial and ethical behaviors. The world has gone to the dogs…

Consider these verse’s written by Paul.

• 1Cor 7:1 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.
• 1Cor 7:8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.
• 1Cor 7:9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

So… okay… if you take this litterally then its pretty straight forward aint it… Don’t marry… unless you cannot control yourself. Obviously it also says early on in Genesis that it is not good for man to be alone.

[uh-lohn] :- separate, apart, or isolated from others

So alone is total seperation. You can go thru life not being married and not being alone. U would have to lve on a deserted island in the tropics somewhere for you to be totally alone. ln life you will always be surrounded by people… home, work, friends… come on, technically your never alone!

[fik-shuhn] :- something feigned, invented, or imagined; a made-up story.

Again, yesterday I was wondering around the local shopping center outside my work. I wondered down the magazine isle and sure enough (coz seriously what are the odds) my eye caught a female model on the cover of well, quiet a few magazines.

The next thought that went thru my head was,
‘No where in this world will you ever meet someone that looks like that!’
‘They are all so airbrushed and ‘perfect’, there is just no way!’
‘This is what the world is telling us ‘perfect’ is!!’
‘How could everyone go around in reality airbrushed?!
‘Its impossible, there is no one who is as flawless as an airbrushed magazine, photoshop retouched, colour corrected, glossy human!’
‘So are we living in a made up world?! Or are they telling us there is a better world out there?!’
‘Are we living in a made up world, and they’re living in the ‘perfect’ world?!’

Anyway, the thoughts went AWOL from there on, but seriously… we get presented this ‘perfect’ world every day… and its not out there… no one looks that good all the time… chances are those people who look ‘perfect’ and actually completely screwed up in their heads, or in some other aspect of their lives…

I dunno, are we real?! Or are they?!

[set-l] :- to gather, collect, or become fixed in a particular place, direction, etc.

So again, thanks to a friend a seed has been planted in my head. I was around at her house last night, and over nice cuppa hot chocolate, we got discussing life, love and everything else. At the point where we were discussing love & marriage she made an interesting comment that has stuck with me all day. She said, ‘When I am standing at the end of the isle next to my hubby to be… I do not want to be thinking I am settling’ Okay, yes I slightly worded it differently to fill in some blanks from the conversation, but the crux of the matter is the last section, ‘I do not want to be settling!’ She does not want to one day when she is married think, ‘Wow, I just settled for what was there in my life at that moment!’

I so agree!!! I could never settle for anything less than what I presume to be the perfect girl for me! Now in love I am a perfectionist, so at the end of the day I am pretty much screwed, but I will never settle for anyone just because they seem like the right person at the right time… they need to be the RIGHT person forever.

I have hard rules on marriage… I will marry once, and I do not believe in divorce… If all goes to hell, I will divorce, but will never re-marry. The marriage vow goes, ’till death do us part!’ thus only death will truly part us!! The pressures are MASSIVE, and thus the settling for just anything is not an option!

Its just not an option!!!

So I think if I also die at age 42, I will probably be better off for it!!! Its the point at which your life takes a down turn, its the point where you really begin to feel like age is taking over… everyday begins to be exactly the same, because you get set in your way.

Now if I am unmarried, only living life for myself, then what would be the point. Being the romantic type its in my nature to be romanced, and to romance others… this age would also leave me in a position where most people would have already settled down, married and my choices for a wife or anyone to share my life with would probably be about 0%

Its a tough place to be in, knowing that your future for romance and a life with another looks pretty bleak, looks pretty empty, bare, a wasteland where nothing lives or grows.

I will have loved and lost, loved and lost, sticky tape that has lost its tack. The hope of ever finding someone will be null… thus the end should be, would be nigh!!!

It has come to my attention that I too desire to live the life of those many, described by the late Jane Austen. Each one, in many a case, searching for more than merely wealth. It is the current beliefs and way of life that detests me so much. I seek to be, to be more than the current mindset, I desire a life filled with affection. True affection where each moment with the other is a truly unique and a powerful moment. I shall not marry without affection, and will not repress my feelings. A life without feelings or affection is a life not lived. If my feelings guide me, as they do, I find myself pondering, ‘is my life destined to become repetitive?’

‘What do I mean?’, do I hear you ask.. It was a trait through all her novels, however her novels end happily, that each person seems to want more from life, not willing to settle for what is before them. Therefore this life, the one that I live this very moment, appears to have a simple plan. Live a life seeking the ultimate affection of another! I seek someone of such impeccable disposition that only love would cloud my judgment long enough for me to see them as that very person. They would need to have lived such a life of propriety that would at least be equal to, or greater than my own.

I am one for making my sentiments fully known, and this can lead to many an emotion. If I am disposed to think of her as amiable, many a time will I let my affections be known. We may become close and affectionate, but it does not take very long for that impeccable disposition to wither, and for some foul news to make this one person not as agreeable as was originally thought!

I have become one to simply observe those around me, to interact and view life as from anothers vantage, it is as though I have become a storyteller of my own life… however this storyteller cannot see the great and wonderful ending everyone seeks. It has been predisposed that I will repeat this pattern - meet, grow to love, and then very shortly afterward the fall will come. It will be done with the purest of hearts and the utmost of true meaning, but what has been set in motion becomes increasingly more difficult to stop.

So was at my local book store hang out this eve with a friend, and found this book with the title. ‘An Hour to Live, an Hour to Love - If you had one hour to live and could make just one phone call, who would you call? What would you say? And why are you waiting?’ Yup its a long title, but it got me thinking damn that’s romantic, I would phone the one person I care about, tell them (since I’m single) and just see how the chips fall! It would be the most freeing act ever!

I showed this to my friend and her automatic response was to phone her mom. For some reason I would never do that, I just don’t have that relationship with my parents. Yes, they my friends, I care for them, but I dunno! If it were really my last hour on this earth I would wanna be with someone I really care about, even if ‘technically’ they don’t feel the same about me. I have already spent so much of my life on this planet with my parents….

That’s just my opinion, it does however also make me wanna just phone that person and see how the chips fall, even if its messy…. been there and there is nothing to loose

So who can guess that this one was written on my cell phone? Just look for the cell phone slang!

So yeah, after a break up its always interesting watching the people who U thought were Ur friends. Watching where they go, who they hang out with and if they are supportive to U or to Ur ex. If they were Ur friend first and now they’re supporting Ur ex, or in more contact with them its puts into the spotlight the legitimacy of their friendship to U!

Okay, maybe I’m a little jaded, coz one of my ‘friends’ seems to be keeping in more contact with my ex than with me. Now for me friends are either friends forever or friends for never! When someone screws me over well, they’re out!! Yeah, so wot if its a rough attitude!

I am who I am, and they are being who they wanna be, so they must go be it…. But i won’t be there ’supporting’ them…

Ergh, yes I’m pissed off right now!