Normalities Lost

I miss normality, I miss the logic of knowing, of havin plans and having a mission and going for it. It seems now as though I live from moment to moment, not having any plan on my next step, I have one object calling on my time, yet it is the only object that I feel has no right to make coz such call. Its a broken phase of my life, no forward motion just stagnation.

Where is the next step, the stepping stones seem to be drifting further and further apart, as time creeps on and age piles up…. this is not how I see it rolling out!

I feel it, today more than ever! The normality has even left me! It was my last final earthly stronghold. Its now I will truely start finding out who I am, wot I want in life & what has real meaning to me! The distractions all but work removed… theres nothing but me left here! Its sorta scary, yet empowering at the same time!

Moving, Living, Timing

Its on late nights like these that I regret my move to cape town. The move was meant to improve my lifestyle, give me a greater quality of life, allow me to truely sit, alone on a beach and do things I’ve always dreamt of doing. But nights like these slaving away at work, havin been at it for the last 6weeks with another 3 to go do not make me a happy child. They instill me with regret and hopelessness instead of joy and thankfulness over makin the right choice to move!

I’m havin doubts as to weather animation is something I want to keep doing. If thats so, my reason for choosing cape town is flawed, and thus I begin havin doubts about staying here! Ultimately my dream has always been the sleepy hollow of PE! However ct was chosen simply because it offered work! Work here however is ridiculous so I just don’t know anymore!

We’ll push through this project, see what life is like when we have some time to spare! Stuff it, I might even stay in my current accommodation and just see wot happens!

Hmmm, it just hit me! My brother offered me a job. I wonder if thats still open? I will find out 2moz!

Wow, this post turned out completely, not wot I planned. I was going to talk about something I discovered about myself tonight at work. My love of love…. I’ll keep that for another post shall I

Unsettled Settling!

So last friday marked 8weeks, 2months since my move to Cape Town! It has been a real roller coaster ride, finding a place to stay, settling into a new job, a new city, driving a new car, an entirely new group of work friends and social friends.

Cape Town life certainly is different from Jhb life. Its not better or worse. The two cities cannot actually be compared on any similarities because they are so totally different, regardless of the fact that the one city is landlocked! I will write my city comparisons in a seperate post one day!

It honestly is putting me out of my comfort zone, the multitude of changes that all came in a single event, has thrown my life off balance. Routine has become my safety, the one thing I can truely place solid groundings on. Its wierd to say that a routine can have such an effect, but humans are creatures of habit. We find comfort in it!

Its time now to get some sleep, I just spent the last 15hrs at work and am in some serious need of sleep!

The End before the Begining!

I can tell U how this is going end, but I can’t tell U how its going start!

I can see where this will go, where it will end, and how it will end!
I can see the fall, and great is the fall!
Trapped by the thoughts of others, by their behaviors, past and present!
Take apart my head, try to understand, constrained, forced, uncontrolled!
I’ve not tasted the world, the fruit, the demons you have!
I am burdened by it, by fruits untasted, by their effects of rot.
Its my own stone around my neck.
Relentless Intolerance
Never loosing vision!
Holding fast to the hope!

Beginnings unbeknownst to me.
There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have the opposite!

My world, normals flipped, downs up, fragile, a curse so for a while.

A Tree And It’s Fruit

Lyrics to A Tree And It’s Fruit by Akissforjersey :
Enter Ye in at the strait gate:
for wide is the gate, and broad is the way,
that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:
because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way,
which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing,
but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
Ye shall know them by their fruits.
Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?
Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit;
but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
A good tree cannot bringeth forth evil fruit,
neither can a corrupt tree bringeth forth good fruit.
Every tree that bringeth not good fruit is hewn down,
and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruit ye shall know them.

Not everyone that saith unto me, lord, lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven;
but he that doeth the will of my father which is in heaven.
Many will say to me in that day, lord, lord, have we not prophesied in thy name?
And in thy name have cast out devils?
And in thy name done many wonderful works?
And then i will profess unto them, I never knew you:
Depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine,
and doeth them. I will liken him unto a wise man,
which built his house upon a rock; and it fell not;
for it was founded upon a rock.
And everyone that heareth that heareth these sayings of mine,
and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man,
which built his house on the sand.
And the rain descended, and the floods came,
and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; And it fell, and great was the fall.

Mat 7 : 13- 27

Perfect Partner???

Have I put to much pressure and thought on finding the perfect partner… that I will sabotage all my current and future relationships as soon as I find something small enough to find fault with them?! I immediately find fault in pasts…. secondly find fault in looks, thirdly find faults in just about any other smaller aspect of their personalities!!! Am I destined to be single and alone for the rest of my life? I know its shallow, putting looks 2nd on the list!

Have I created a complex, a mental block, created a visual of some perfect person who I have put on a pedestal and no one else can match up to that?! Am I creating a dark place were I am bound to live out my life? What am I to do?! How am I to overcome this? Or have I become trapped in my own generated void, a void that is only to be filled by a puzzle piece that simply does not exist?!

I do not know where to go from here… as soon as I enter a relationship with someone, I automatically and without fault to them…. begin wondering if I am missing out on something else in life (not just in people, but in events too). This has been reaffirmed of late… I would not have met or been in the time and place to have met my current girlfriend, if I was still dating my girlfriend of 7months ago. So here I am in a relationship not even a week old, and I have begun wondering the same things?!

Or can this all be blamed on a time in my life, immaturity, or simply not knowing what I want from life right now?!

Any thoughts?!

Confused… Follow Ur Heart or Ur Mind?!

Now there’s a big question!! Well if its not big for you, it certainly is big for me…..

I have been placed in the position where my next move should really be based on either one. Heart or Mind!!! The best part of this whole mess up is that I have openly and honestly explained it to both parties and well they both seem to fully understand where I am coming from. So that’s awesome!

The one party is hoping I choose with my heart, and take the risk on her… I have said to her if she fully understands the risks of me choosing with my heart then I feel very comfortable choosing her. With this choice things will be tough, and may end painfully!! Ooi vey!!! This is the option my entire being is opting for right now… I have developed feelings for this girl, more than the other girl….

The other party is hoping I choose with my mind… not letting my heart over rule my mind. Based on my track record, this is the safer option for me. With this choice however there seem to be quiet a few other apparent risks.

So whats the safer option.. or do I just go on like always and stick with my ’singleness’, basically telling both girls that I don’t think it will work with either of them! Hmmm… the joys of the scape goat option!!

Thoughts?!

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! I dunno what to do…  I’m totally freaked out, and don’t know what to do… grrr!! Why does life do this to me?! It just gets more and more complex by the minute… and the more complex it gets the deeper the hole I dig on either side!

Ripped Heart

Its your heart being ripped to shreds, dragged in two completely opposite directions. Its the feeling that you have no control over your life, you are simply a vessel that goes with the eb and flow of all around you, and the eb and flow of life is never simple, never traveling in one direction. Just as one eb if beginning to kick into full swash, and you are actually totally ready to go with it, the flow begins to change the direction, and hey…. maybe the opposite direction is now a better option.

How do you then decide to eb or to flow… which shore line do you cling to, without neglecting or hurting the opposite shoreline?!

This is my life in relation to relationships. My post ‘Resigned to Singleness’ is linked to this eb and flow. My programming refuses the one direction, but that doesn’t mean it breaks my heart. I get close to these people, I am forced to… very close, close enough to get attached, close enough to get my heart broken in the process of the detachment!

What about thier hearts… I hate hurting others… its a catch 22 situation, both ways I play it somebody… normally both of us gets hurt. I cannot go thru what I went thru last time, I refuse to inflict that on another… I refuse to cause that stress on another simply for my pleasure in the in between! I couldn’t control myself last time and hurt the people involved… I won’t do it again!!!

So now, that light in the parallel universe seems to be getting brighter… the hurt I might inflict on one, may not be so hard on me, because this light seems right… I feel so guilty that this happens to me, and I get placed in a position of choice… go one way, or go the other…

Going left hurts me, but saves Lefts heart and Right goes alone!!!
Going right saves me & hurts the Lefts heart!!!

WHY… this is to much for me to handle…

Resigned to Singleness

The emotional pain, of resigning yourself to the fact that you will be single the rest of your life is something unimaginable. You know the cost of your decision… pain, loneliness, anger, emotional hurt. Added to your pain the deep down knowledge that you know you cannot remain single your entire life. And as an onion is multi layered on top of it all, this decision is something that even though you made it personally, even though its something you chose to do…. Its more than just a ‘decision’ that can be overturned, its ingrained in your being, and as much as you try to over power it, its hard coded into your operating system, a reboot will not remove this code… You begin to justify other reasons why you wouldn’t be happy settling down, fading beauty, complex relational issues, fights, children, finances.

The anger takes over, the anger begins to be the source of your power, the negativity, the depro sense of a world set out to crush your being, like looking out into the abyss of fog with not a single speck of light to illuminate the depths. Its the negativity that powers your life, motivates you to keep going, to keep hoping against all odds that that one connection will be made, above all the odds.

U can see a distant, faint flicker of something, but its out of reach, out of range, its actually in a parallel universe, you’re caught in the darkness with the knowledge that these universes will not merge, cannot merge!