Ripped Heart

Its your heart being ripped to shreds, dragged in two completely opposite directions. Its the feeling that you have no control over your life, you are simply a vessel that goes with the eb and flow of all around you, and the eb and flow of life is never simple, never traveling in one direction. Just as one eb if beginning to kick into full swash, and you are actually totally ready to go with it, the flow begins to change the direction, and hey…. maybe the opposite direction is now a better option.

How do you then decide to eb or to flow… which shore line do you cling to, without neglecting or hurting the opposite shoreline?!

This is my life in relation to relationships. My post ‘Resigned to Singleness’ is linked to this eb and flow. My programming refuses the one direction, but that doesn’t mean it breaks my heart. I get close to these people, I am forced to… very close, close enough to get attached, close enough to get my heart broken in the process of the detachment!

What about thier hearts… I hate hurting others… its a catch 22 situation, both ways I play it somebody… normally both of us gets hurt. I cannot go thru what I went thru last time, I refuse to inflict that on another… I refuse to cause that stress on another simply for my pleasure in the in between! I couldn’t control myself last time and hurt the people involved… I won’t do it again!!!

So now, that light in the parallel universe seems to be getting brighter… the hurt I might inflict on one, may not be so hard on me, because this light seems right… I feel so guilty that this happens to me, and I get placed in a position of choice… go one way, or go the other…

Going left hurts me, but saves Lefts heart and Right goes alone!!!
Going right saves me & hurts the Lefts heart!!!

WHY… this is to much for me to handle…