Unsettled Settling!

So last friday marked 8weeks, 2months since my move to Cape Town! It has been a real roller coaster ride, finding a place to stay, settling into a new job, a new city, driving a new car, an entirely new group of work friends and social friends.

Cape Town life certainly is different from Jhb life. Its not better or worse. The two cities cannot actually be compared on any similarities because they are so totally different, regardless of the fact that the one city is landlocked! I will write my city comparisons in a seperate post one day!

It honestly is putting me out of my comfort zone, the multitude of changes that all came in a single event, has thrown my life off balance. Routine has become my safety, the one thing I can truely place solid groundings on. Its wierd to say that a routine can have such an effect, but humans are creatures of habit. We find comfort in it!

Its time now to get some sleep, I just spent the last 15hrs at work and am in some serious need of sleep!

The End before the Begining!

I can tell U how this is going end, but I can’t tell U how its going start!

I can see where this will go, where it will end, and how it will end!
I can see the fall, and great is the fall!
Trapped by the thoughts of others, by their behaviors, past and present!
Take apart my head, try to understand, constrained, forced, uncontrolled!
I’ve not tasted the world, the fruit, the demons you have!
I am burdened by it, by fruits untasted, by their effects of rot.
Its my own stone around my neck.
Relentless Intolerance
Never loosing vision!
Holding fast to the hope!

Beginnings unbeknownst to me.
There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have the opposite!

My world, normals flipped, downs up, fragile, a curse so for a while.

Perfect Partner???

Have I put to much pressure and thought on finding the perfect partner… that I will sabotage all my current and future relationships as soon as I find something small enough to find fault with them?! I immediately find fault in pasts…. secondly find fault in looks, thirdly find faults in just about any other smaller aspect of their personalities!!! Am I destined to be single and alone for the rest of my life? I know its shallow, putting looks 2nd on the list!

Have I created a complex, a mental block, created a visual of some perfect person who I have put on a pedestal and no one else can match up to that?! Am I creating a dark place were I am bound to live out my life? What am I to do?! How am I to overcome this? Or have I become trapped in my own generated void, a void that is only to be filled by a puzzle piece that simply does not exist?!

I do not know where to go from here… as soon as I enter a relationship with someone, I automatically and without fault to them…. begin wondering if I am missing out on something else in life (not just in people, but in events too). This has been reaffirmed of late… I would not have met or been in the time and place to have met my current girlfriend, if I was still dating my girlfriend of 7months ago. So here I am in a relationship not even a week old, and I have begun wondering the same things?!

Or can this all be blamed on a time in my life, immaturity, or simply not knowing what I want from life right now?!

Any thoughts?!

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! I dunno what to do…  I’m totally freaked out, and don’t know what to do… grrr!! Why does life do this to me?! It just gets more and more complex by the minute… and the more complex it gets the deeper the hole I dig on either side!

Ripped Heart

Its your heart being ripped to shreds, dragged in two completely opposite directions. Its the feeling that you have no control over your life, you are simply a vessel that goes with the eb and flow of all around you, and the eb and flow of life is never simple, never traveling in one direction. Just as one eb if beginning to kick into full swash, and you are actually totally ready to go with it, the flow begins to change the direction, and hey…. maybe the opposite direction is now a better option.

How do you then decide to eb or to flow… which shore line do you cling to, without neglecting or hurting the opposite shoreline?!

This is my life in relation to relationships. My post ‘Resigned to Singleness’ is linked to this eb and flow. My programming refuses the one direction, but that doesn’t mean it breaks my heart. I get close to these people, I am forced to… very close, close enough to get attached, close enough to get my heart broken in the process of the detachment!

What about thier hearts… I hate hurting others… its a catch 22 situation, both ways I play it somebody… normally both of us gets hurt. I cannot go thru what I went thru last time, I refuse to inflict that on another… I refuse to cause that stress on another simply for my pleasure in the in between! I couldn’t control myself last time and hurt the people involved… I won’t do it again!!!

So now, that light in the parallel universe seems to be getting brighter… the hurt I might inflict on one, may not be so hard on me, because this light seems right… I feel so guilty that this happens to me, and I get placed in a position of choice… go one way, or go the other…

Going left hurts me, but saves Lefts heart and Right goes alone!!!
Going right saves me & hurts the Lefts heart!!!

WHY… this is to much for me to handle…

Resigned to Singleness

The emotional pain, of resigning yourself to the fact that you will be single the rest of your life is something unimaginable. You know the cost of your decision… pain, loneliness, anger, emotional hurt. Added to your pain the deep down knowledge that you know you cannot remain single your entire life. And as an onion is multi layered on top of it all, this decision is something that even though you made it personally, even though its something you chose to do…. Its more than just a ‘decision’ that can be overturned, its ingrained in your being, and as much as you try to over power it, its hard coded into your operating system, a reboot will not remove this code… You begin to justify other reasons why you wouldn’t be happy settling down, fading beauty, complex relational issues, fights, children, finances.

The anger takes over, the anger begins to be the source of your power, the negativity, the depro sense of a world set out to crush your being, like looking out into the abyss of fog with not a single speck of light to illuminate the depths. Its the negativity that powers your life, motivates you to keep going, to keep hoping against all odds that that one connection will be made, above all the odds.

U can see a distant, faint flicker of something, but its out of reach, out of range, its actually in a parallel universe, you’re caught in the darkness with the knowledge that these universes will not merge, cannot merge!

Just a Few Companions Thanks!!!

[kuhm-pan-yuhn] :- a person who is frequently in the company of, or accompanies another
[lohn-lee] :- lone; solitary; without company; companionless

We all so automatically desire to have friends, and if not friendship be in a relationship with another. Everyone automatically links a way to solve their own loneliness by being in a relationship, its like… yay, I have got someone now who will forever solve my loneliness problems… ergh, for crying out loud. Are you really lonely?! Do you not have friends.. do you not work somewhere where you are surrounded by people, you walk into a shopping center and are surrounded by random people. Loneliness would find its ultimate perfection in the ‘I am Legend’ universe. No one can classify themselves as lonely.
So for those not seeking the permanent attachment to another, those not seeking to be filled with the life of another simply to remove their own fear of being alone… those seeking a distraction to their own lives, it becomes quiet simple. Maintain your friendships to those around you, in theory find companions. Not just one, but many!

So my post ‘Everywhere I look, People making Connections‘ still stays true for those only connecting for the sake of a relationship with another! Then again, who said I couldn’t change my mind!!! HAHA

Don’t Need It, but You’ll Attract It!

So, hit my regular book store hang out tonight and came across a book, who’s message was simple,
‘If You don’t need it, You’re more likely to Attract it!!’

Erm… okay…. so I so do not need money!! I hate the stuff… so when can I expect that random million dollar check in the mail?! Ergh, load of rubbish!

Yet, whenever I have entered a competition just for the hell of it.. and completely forgotten about it… I have gone and won!

So wot does this mean for the rest of our lives. The book claimed that if everything at our core was happy and fulfilled then we would not be wanting and thus everything would be & go great. Is this the next new age thinking???? It used to be, ‘get focused on your needs and desires, and they will come to you’… so since that is bull and hasn’t been working lets try the reverse?! My shattered nerves!!! Come on!!!

Things in this world do not just come to you… you have to be in the right place at the right time (being born rich, for example) or the other option is creating those opportunities yourself!

So don’t expect love to come walking thru the door, coz it won’t!!! Don’t expect your boss to give you a million dollar raise either… coz it probably won’t!!!

Okay, enough ranting about nothing!!! But then that’s exactly what my blog is about!!!

The Abyss

[uh-bis] :- a deep, immeasurable space, gulf, or cavity; vast chasm, anything profound, unfathomable.

Yeah, the Abyss!!! Ever found yourself here?! Well its sorta like I am finding myself right now. I am standing on a pedestal of rock, because the rest of my world has collapsed around me, and I am simply looking into an Infinite Abyss filled with Fog!! It feels like there is nothing more to do, the world should completely drop out leaving me falling into the Abyss…. everything in me is telling me to stay, the simple fact that it hasn’t fallen out completely means that something beyond me is going on!

So what do I need to do now!?! Do I need to step out into the abyss, throw myself off the edge? Will another pedestal shoot out of no where to support me… will that become my life a constant hopping act jumping between pedestals never finding my world again?! Will I simply fall, fall constantly deeper into the Abyss and the Fog? Will I go further down that it just gets harder to get out of?! Or will one day something pop up and I will hit solid ground again?

It actually feels like my pedestal has began to rock, its becoming unstable… becoming more and more risky to stay where I am, its forcing me to make a decision, a decision I don’t really wanna make… I wanna sit here for a little longer, can I find peace on this little piece of my world that is left?!

Its going nowhere, and so am I right now!!!!

Choose where you wanna Live, Before where you wanna Work?!

wurk :- one’s place of employment

Or that’s at least what I think!!! So many people seem so unhappy with life, and I am sure that part of that unhappiness can be put done to the simple fact that they do not like where they live. I for example live in a city not near any river, ocean or any notable mountain. We have a hill…. and a few streams… but that’s about it.

I have made my life here in this city… not because I want too, but because it was where I was born, where I grew up, I have done everything in this city. Its where I studied, and now its where I work.

The more important question for me is simple… is my heart happy where I am. I have a desire to be near the sea, the sea fills me, lifts my spirits and motivates me. I want to live that life where after work I can pop down to the beach and squelch my feet into the sand… or meet some friends for cocktails and watch the sunset. Who wouldn’t want to be able to witness nature at its best everyday… there is something about the sea for me though…

Some people may be the lake & mountain types… but I am certainly the beach & sea type… my heart yearns for it. This is why I have chosen (even though I have a grea job, at a great company) that it is time to choose where I want to live, before the company I want to work for. I am on a mission… find the place, then what to do!!!