I can tell U how this is going end, but I can’t tell U how its going start!
I can see where this will go, where it will end, and how it will end!
I can see the fall, and great is the fall!
Trapped by the thoughts of others, by their behaviors, past and present!
Take apart my head, try to understand, constrained, forced, uncontrolled!
I’ve not tasted the world, the fruit, the demons you have!
I am burdened by it, by fruits untasted, by their effects of rot.
Its my own stone around my neck.
Relentless Intolerance
Never loosing vision!
Holding fast to the hope!
Beginnings unbeknownst to me.
There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have the opposite!
My world, normals flipped, downs up, fragile, a curse so for a while.
Have I put to much pressure and thought on finding the perfect partner… that I will sabotage all my current and future relationships as soon as I find something small enough to find fault with them?! I immediately find fault in pasts…. secondly find fault in looks, thirdly find faults in just about any other smaller aspect of their personalities!!! Am I destined to be single and alone for the rest of my life? I know its shallow, putting looks 2nd on the list!
Have I created a complex, a mental block, created a visual of some perfect person who I have put on a pedestal and no one else can match up to that?! Am I creating a dark place were I am bound to live out my life? What am I to do?! How am I to overcome this? Or have I become trapped in my own generated void, a void that is only to be filled by a puzzle piece that simply does not exist?!
I do not know where to go from here… as soon as I enter a relationship with someone, I automatically and without fault to them…. begin wondering if I am missing out on something else in life (not just in people, but in events too). This has been reaffirmed of late… I would not have met or been in the time and place to have met my current girlfriend, if I was still dating my girlfriend of 7months ago. So here I am in a relationship not even a week old, and I have begun wondering the same things?!
Or can this all be blamed on a time in my life, immaturity, or simply not knowing what I want from life right now?!
Now there’s a big question!! Well if its not big for you, it certainly is big for me…..
I have been placed in the position where my next move should really be based on either one. Heart or Mind!!! The best part of this whole mess up is that I have openly and honestly explained it to both parties and well they both seem to fully understand where I am coming from. So that’s awesome!
The one party is hoping I choose with my heart, and take the risk on her… I have said to her if she fully understands the risks of me choosing with my heart then I feel very comfortable choosing her. With this choice things will be tough, and may end painfully!! Ooi vey!!! This is the option my entire being is opting for right now… I have developed feelings for this girl, more than the other girl….
The other party is hoping I choose with my mind… not letting my heart over rule my mind. Based on my track record, this is the safer option for me. With this choice however there seem to be quiet a few other apparent risks.
So whats the safer option.. or do I just go on like always and stick with my ’singleness’, basically telling both girls that I don’t think it will work with either of them! Hmmm… the joys of the scape goat option!!
Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! I dunno what to do… I’m totally freaked out, and don’t know what to do… grrr!! Why does life do this to me?! It just gets more and more complex by the minute… and the more complex it gets the deeper the hole I dig on either side!
Its your heart being ripped to shreds, dragged in two completely opposite directions. Its the feeling that you have no control over your life, you are simply a vessel that goes with the eb and flow of all around you, and the eb and flow of life is never simple, never traveling in one direction. Just as one eb if beginning to kick into full swash, and you are actually totally ready to go with it, the flow begins to change the direction, and hey…. maybe the opposite direction is now a better option.
How do you then decide to eb or to flow… which shore line do you cling to, without neglecting or hurting the opposite shoreline?!
This is my life in relation to relationships. My post ‘Resigned to Singleness’ is linked to this eb and flow. My programming refuses the one direction, but that doesn’t mean it breaks my heart. I get close to these people, I am forced to… very close, close enough to get attached, close enough to get my heart broken in the process of the detachment!
What about thier hearts… I hate hurting others… its a catch 22 situation, both ways I play it somebody… normally both of us gets hurt. I cannot go thru what I went thru last time, I refuse to inflict that on another… I refuse to cause that stress on another simply for my pleasure in the in between! I couldn’t control myself last time and hurt the people involved… I won’t do it again!!!
So now, that light in the parallel universe seems to be getting brighter… the hurt I might inflict on one, may not be so hard on me, because this light seems right… I feel so guilty that this happens to me, and I get placed in a position of choice… go one way, or go the other…
Going left hurts me, but saves Lefts heart and Right goes alone!!!
Going right saves me & hurts the Lefts heart!!!
The emotional pain, of resigning yourself to the fact that you will be single the rest of your life is something unimaginable. You know the cost of your decision… pain, loneliness, anger, emotional hurt. Added to your pain the deep down knowledge that you know you cannot remain single your entire life. And as an onion is multi layered on top of it all, this decision is something that even though you made it personally, even though its something you chose to do…. Its more than just a ‘decision’ that can be overturned, its ingrained in your being, and as much as you try to over power it, its hard coded into your operating system, a reboot will not remove this code… You begin to justify other reasons why you wouldn’t be happy settling down, fading beauty, complex relational issues, fights, children, finances.
The anger takes over, the anger begins to be the source of your power, the negativity, the depro sense of a world set out to crush your being, like looking out into the abyss of fog with not a single speck of light to illuminate the depths. Its the negativity that powers your life, motivates you to keep going, to keep hoping against all odds that that one connection will be made, above all the odds.
U can see a distant, faint flicker of something, but its out of reach, out of range, its actually in a parallel universe, you’re caught in the darkness with the knowledge that these universes will not merge, cannot merge!
I have been asking myself this for sometime now, and it got me thinking…
Everyone should be asking themselves at least one of these… the pertinent one!
Is the person you are currently with, making you absolutely happy?
Is the pursuit of someone making you full of excitement?
Is it the hopes of finding some who will love you keeping you going?
So you’re looking for an external factor to make you feel better about yourself eh?!
I won’t lie to you! I thought that I could find happiness & fulfillment in life through finally settling down and becoming stable in a relationship… but honestly, how do you think that, that is possible. Chances are that the other person you are dating, or keen on also has some hectic baggage that they will be bringing along with them. You will be required to not only deal with your emotional and physical needs and issues, but be supportive and understanding of anothers situation. I find my peace in knowing that the only issues I need to deal with are those of my own… the even greater thing is that I know that what ever I do (for me) won’t affect those around me. I also enjoy the fact that I do not need to be burdened with the issues of others. (often caused by there lack of self control, or control of their surroundings)
A good friend of mine recently told me, that there is nothing wrong with this thinking, its just me needing some ‘me time’… maybe it is just a phase I am going through.
However I still want you to honestly think about your situations, your relations…. what are your reasons for dating, or wanting to be in a relationship. Is it to simply fulfill a need within yourself?! Coz if it is, its the wrong reason?!
My thinking is simple… find peace and happiness alone…. I am on a mission to be fulfilled in my life, without the ‘feel good’ affirmations of another to falsely make me feel good. Chances are you might find yourself not even requiring the company of a significant other!!!
Think about it, any selfish reasons?!
I thought we’d be simple together, I thought we’d be happy together, I thought we’d precious together…. but I was sadly mistaken!!!
This is going to be one of my more controversial posts, its something that I have noticed a lot and being Christian myself for just about my entire life, I feel I have the knowledge and the outspokenness to just say it… coz chances are others have thought it but kept it to themselves.
It has always been my one goal to meet and marry a good Christian girl. With that statement said, all of my friends tell me I will never find the girl I am looking for at clubs or party venues over the weekend, I must go to church to find these girls, and therein lies the rub…
In my opinion a very high percentage of all Christians these days have come to know God through a set of issues in their lives. I am not saying that there conversion was not 100% genuine, but its amazing how something shitty has to happen to make someone realise they need God.
Think about it, (and I am going to focus on the mostly female side of it, coz its who I interact with more) girls who have insecurity issues, they’re concerned they are overweight, or they are super hot and have slept around like crazy and now regret it, drug users, they were never loved by their parents, beaten by there parents, father issues, guys who are dealing with homosexual urges, etc… its like everyone who is just a little bit messed up, insecure about there situation or to scared that no one will accept them, come running to the church because that’s exactly the motto of the church, be accepting of others and there differences… they then get totally absorbed into the life of the church, youth, church services, mission trips, etc… they have finally found some form of acceptance… and they begin to live that life a little bit to much because it hides, masks, or makes them forget their sucky past… its all an opportunity to join the Feel Good inc.
Don’t get me wrong… absolutely we should be accepting of those people and we do. Not like all of us aren’t slightly F@%$d up on some level… but the point I am getting at here is not about the church as a whole… the point is…. how am I supposed to find a good Christian girl at church, when all the girls at church are just as, if not more F@%$d up than those girls I might find at a club. The girls & guys at church, all carry their masks around with them and hide as much of their pasts as they can from each other… it makes it feel like they are plastic, fake and not real… and I HATE THAT with a passion, be real with people, ‘connect on a gut level’ (thanks Olga)
As the Christian Band Casting Crowns says, ‘Happy Plastic People, with Walls around our weakness, Smiles to hide our Pain’… its so freaking true!!
Now the kicker from my side… haha… and this could sound so unChristain, but maybe this is where I am totally F@%$d up… I am attracted to someone who is slightly messup.. I like to be the supportive rock that they can rely on… people can rely on me (at least I think so), but I could never marry someone with a checkered history.. do I here you saying, ‘but that’s not very Christian, coz you should be able to forgive them as Jesus forgave you, because all sins are equal in Gods eyes!!’
Oh absolutely…however… Christianity is not a religion with a set of Rules… its a relationship with God… the rest of what you do on this earth is left up to you, and well if you are living a Christian life somethings you just won’t do… like kill someone… but at the end of the day it leaves choices I make for my life up to me… and I refuse to settle for some F@%$d person with a shitty history.
Sorry, but that’s the way it is…. thus I don’t bother!!!
[kuhm-pan-yuhn] :- a person who is frequently in the company of, or accompanies another
[lohn-lee] :- lone; solitary; without company; companionless
We all so automatically desire to have friends, and if not friendship be in a relationship with another. Everyone automatically links a way to solve their own loneliness by being in a relationship, its like… yay, I have got someone now who will forever solve my loneliness problems… ergh, for crying out loud. Are you really lonely?! Do you not have friends.. do you not work somewhere where you are surrounded by people, you walk into a shopping center and are surrounded by random people. Loneliness would find its ultimate perfection in the ‘I am Legend’ universe. No one can classify themselves as lonely.
So for those not seeking the permanent attachment to another, those not seeking to be filled with the life of another simply to remove their own fear of being alone… those seeking a distraction to their own lives, it becomes quiet simple. Maintain your friendships to those around you, in theory find companions. Not just one, but many!
So my post ‘Everywhere I look, People making Connections‘ still stays true for those only connecting for the sake of a relationship with another! Then again, who said I couldn’t change my mind!!! HAHA
So recently… well actually not so recently I friend of mine and I were having one of those super late night conversations were we chat about just about anything. We landed up discussing the ‘good looks’ of different people and what makes one guy look better than another, or what makes one girl look better than another. She ended up stating simply that she was a lover of good art… and that’s all she cares about. She doesn’t feel attracted to or want to date someone, just because they look good. So simply put, she likes the artistic quality of that persons good looks.
Anyway, this has been rattling around in my head for the last 2 weeks or more, because it really affected me and gave me something to think about. So here I am thinking about it, and probably will continue to think about it for a lot longer!! Which is awesome, I love having people that introduce new things to my life around and in my life.
So after all my deliberations, I can only agree with her and say from my perspective and current being I totally see others as simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’ art. Nothing else…. I am not looking at dating anyone right now and so respecting good art as art is exactly where I wanna be….. but at some point everyone likes to ‘own’ that great piece of art, and that in human terms means dating or marrying someone….. but, yes always full of buts…..but, as with me and I may assume with many like me at some point everyone becomes bored with their new art piece and it gets taken off the wall and replaced with something more to the taste of the individual as their tastes change….. now for me that just cannot and will not factor into a relationship for me. My ‘better half’ will not be some new art piece that looks good on the wall in my house. For examples sake, we’ll keep this analogy going and say that that person in my life should not be the picture on the wall, but should be the wall itself… the permanent part of my life….
Yeah, I am still thinking about this topic… coz dinner with a different friend tonight has introduced another item to be factored into the love equation.
I must actually start writing these mini equations down, because they are all part of the greater love equation!!!
m-pan-yuh
