I miss normality, I miss the logic of knowing, of havin plans and having a mission and going for it. It seems now as though I live from moment to moment, not having any plan on my next step, I have one object calling on my time, yet it is the only object that I feel has no right to make coz such call. Its a broken phase of my life, no forward motion just stagnation.
Where is the next step, the stepping stones seem to be drifting further and further apart, as time creeps on and age piles up…. this is not how I see it rolling out!
I feel it, today more than ever! The normality has even left me! It was my last final earthly stronghold. Its now I will truely start finding out who I am, wot I want in life & what has real meaning to me! The distractions all but work removed… theres nothing but me left here! Its sorta scary, yet empowering at the same time!
Its on late nights like these that I regret my move to cape town. The move was meant to improve my lifestyle, give me a greater quality of life, allow me to truely sit, alone on a beach and do things I’ve always dreamt of doing. But nights like these slaving away at work, havin been at it for the last 6weeks with another 3 to go do not make me a happy child. They instill me with regret and hopelessness instead of joy and thankfulness over makin the right choice to move!
I’m havin doubts as to weather animation is something I want to keep doing. If thats so, my reason for choosing cape town is flawed, and thus I begin havin doubts about staying here! Ultimately my dream has always been the sleepy hollow of PE! However ct was chosen simply because it offered work! Work here however is ridiculous so I just don’t know anymore!
We’ll push through this project, see what life is like when we have some time to spare! Stuff it, I might even stay in my current accommodation and just see wot happens!
Hmmm, it just hit me! My brother offered me a job. I wonder if thats still open? I will find out 2moz!
Wow, this post turned out completely, not wot I planned. I was going to talk about something I discovered about myself tonight at work. My love of love…. I’ll keep that for another post shall I
Now there’s a big question!! Well if its not big for you, it certainly is big for me…..
I have been placed in the position where my next move should really be based on either one. Heart or Mind!!! The best part of this whole mess up is that I have openly and honestly explained it to both parties and well they both seem to fully understand where I am coming from. So that’s awesome!
The one party is hoping I choose with my heart, and take the risk on her… I have said to her if she fully understands the risks of me choosing with my heart then I feel very comfortable choosing her. With this choice things will be tough, and may end painfully!! Ooi vey!!! This is the option my entire being is opting for right now… I have developed feelings for this girl, more than the other girl….
The other party is hoping I choose with my mind… not letting my heart over rule my mind. Based on my track record, this is the safer option for me. With this choice however there seem to be quiet a few other apparent risks.
So whats the safer option.. or do I just go on like always and stick with my ’singleness’, basically telling both girls that I don’t think it will work with either of them! Hmmm… the joys of the scape goat option!!
Ian eventually got around to checking out his car, the damn thing had run out of water entirely. No wonder the water temp gauge was flashing at him like a red traffic light on steroids! He did what he was so used to doing, just filling it up with more water and hope for the best until the next time. He was slowly getting more and more aggravated by this car.
‘Always just as I need it, it goes hey wire on me!! Piece of rubbish!’, he thought.
Turned out that his afternoon was pretty chilled, thank goodness, it would have been rough if he had had a huge pile of things to do and get all his camping gear ready for his friends birthday party. He loaded everything into his car and dived into the shower. He had to get ready quick, visiting hours at the hospital were approaching quick and his plan was to visit his dad and then head on through to the party.
The party turned out to be on a farm, the old dam was the swimming pool, and the party area was simply a large tent pitched in the garden. It turned out to be one wild evening, great thing he was camping because one to many drinks later, and well he knew he couldn’t drive. That was typical of Ian, responsible if he needed to drive, but since he was in a safe environment surrounded with friends, he knew he could let himself go a little bit more! The farm was right at the end of the local airport, so all night, planes would light up the skies and drown out the music with their roar from above. It became something they all go used to very quickly and they simply stopped talking during each fly over.
After everyone was suitably relaxed, chatting and chilling together, Ian discovered that one of his new party acquaintances birthday was the same date as his. It was in 9 days time and they had both pretty much planned the same party for that evening. Their friends would meet up for drinks and dinner before hand but the party would eventually end up at their local hang out.
Their local hangout was a dark, rock, alternative club that catered to the goth crowds, but Ian and his friends simply went there because they played the right music and the people were not all about checking everyone out. It was a venue to be yourself and have a good time! Discussions of parties went on for sometime. A plan was beginning to hatch!
The night of camp partying took and interesting turn when a huge thunder shower rolled in and dragged the huge tent to the ground. The rain flooded most peoples tents and just caused chaos all round. Ian was happily in his tent and weathering the storm pretty well. A four man tent goes along way when it only has you and your double mattress in it. Ian stretched and kept both hands holding the tent poles on either side of the tent, he was not in the mood to have his tent collapse on him during the rain storm.
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Word Count: 533 – Total Word Count: XXX – Written Date: 02/11/08
So the end is definitely upon me…. when it goes for weeks and I have nothing to say, nothing to feel, no emotions…. its happened!
The increased detachment, causes decreased emotional attachment!!!
Its a refreshing experience, to feel nothin…. well not to feel at all. I go from day to day with nothing! Its all become a routine, a controlled routine. Its going to happen again and again! Everyday is exactly the same!!!
Its something that I rather enjoy… its not me… I am normally very ‘connected’, but I do find the detachment enjoyable, it gives me the space to just be… a human being, not a human doing!!
I can experience moments where I feel nothing, no worry, no sadness, no happiness, just a full content nothingness!!!
[kuhm-pan-yuhn] :- a person who is frequently in the company of, or accompanies another
[lohn-lee] :- lone; solitary; without company; companionless
We all so automatically desire to have friends, and if not friendship be in a relationship with another. Everyone automatically links a way to solve their own loneliness by being in a relationship, its like… yay, I have got someone now who will forever solve my loneliness problems… ergh, for crying out loud. Are you really lonely?! Do you not have friends.. do you not work somewhere where you are surrounded by people, you walk into a shopping center and are surrounded by random people. Loneliness would find its ultimate perfection in the ‘I am Legend’ universe. No one can classify themselves as lonely.
So for those not seeking the permanent attachment to another, those not seeking to be filled with the life of another simply to remove their own fear of being alone… those seeking a distraction to their own lives, it becomes quiet simple. Maintain your friendships to those around you, in theory find companions. Not just one, but many!
So my post ‘Everywhere I look, People making Connections‘ still stays true for those only connecting for the sake of a relationship with another! Then again, who said I couldn’t change my mind!!! HAHA
Yeah, totally ridiculous! This is a sign of how busy my life is…. and these are things I want to do by choice!
I have decided to write everything I want to do in my spare time down on small pieces of paper. On each piece, write down what it is that I want to do. The idea is now, whenever I have an evening or few mins free at home I simply pull a paper from the hat and that’s what I will do!
Obviously I automatically prioritise my Family, Friends, Running then Work. But what spare time I have to myself has now been unbiased and easily decided for me, this way I cannot preference one thing over another, and it forces me to do something!
As soon as the hat is empty, all the papers will be placed back in the hat, and the process will repeat itself! Hopefully this way, I will feel like the world isn’t passing me by without me doing anything in it!
In terms of the rest of my life, who knows…. and who knows when I will squeeze in anything else…. suppose I just add another piece of paper, until I have 365 pieces! One thing a day for a year, lol!
So maybe its just the Olympic buzz, or fever that’s bitten me. But considering I played tennis today &have been having this itch to start running…. something to get me active coz my job puts me in a chair all day!
Basically I’ve got this urge to become an Olympian and in theory whats stopping me? I have been discussing the possibilities to getting into the Volleyball team with a friend of mine… I’ve been checking out the mens high jump, coz I don’t think SA sent anyone this year (not sure though). The male high jump record is 2.45m. Damn that’s high, must feel like flying for a brief second!
Hmmm, I wonder…. What are my odds? Why not 24 now, so 28 at the next Olympics and it gives me 4years to train, and get ready. Its certainly not impossible!
So was listening to The Warmth by Incubus this morning!! Let me post the lyrics quick!!
I’d like to close my eyes and go numb
But there ’s a cold wind coming from
The top of the highest high -rise today
It’s not a breeze ‘ cause it blows hard
Yes and it wants me to discard the humanity I know
Watch the warmth blow away
Chorus : Don’t let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you’re alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
Do you think I should adhere to that pressing new frontier?
And leave in my wake a trail of fear(?)
Or should I hold my head up high
And throw a wrench and spokes by
Leaving the air behind me clear?
So I bolded the the section that stood out for me!!! I dunno… i think the words pretty much sum it up!!! Don’t Let this World Bring You Down!! There are so many things in the world that can make us negitive… but we must just ignore it… experience the Warmth Before You Grow Old!!
m-pan-yuh
