Confused… Follow Ur Heart or Ur Mind?!

Now there’s a big question!! Well if its not big for you, it certainly is big for me…..

I have been placed in the position where my next move should really be based on either one. Heart or Mind!!! The best part of this whole mess up is that I have openly and honestly explained it to both parties and well they both seem to fully understand where I am coming from. So that’s awesome!

The one party is hoping I choose with my heart, and take the risk on her… I have said to her if she fully understands the risks of me choosing with my heart then I feel very comfortable choosing her. With this choice things will be tough, and may end painfully!! Ooi vey!!! This is the option my entire being is opting for right now… I have developed feelings for this girl, more than the other girl….

The other party is hoping I choose with my mind… not letting my heart over rule my mind. Based on my track record, this is the safer option for me. With this choice however there seem to be quiet a few other apparent risks.

So whats the safer option.. or do I just go on like always and stick with my ’singleness’, basically telling both girls that I don’t think it will work with either of them! Hmmm… the joys of the scape goat option!!

Thoughts?!

Ripped Heart

Its your heart being ripped to shreds, dragged in two completely opposite directions. Its the feeling that you have no control over your life, you are simply a vessel that goes with the eb and flow of all around you, and the eb and flow of life is never simple, never traveling in one direction. Just as one eb if beginning to kick into full swash, and you are actually totally ready to go with it, the flow begins to change the direction, and hey…. maybe the opposite direction is now a better option.

How do you then decide to eb or to flow… which shore line do you cling to, without neglecting or hurting the opposite shoreline?!

This is my life in relation to relationships. My post ‘Resigned to Singleness’ is linked to this eb and flow. My programming refuses the one direction, but that doesn’t mean it breaks my heart. I get close to these people, I am forced to… very close, close enough to get attached, close enough to get my heart broken in the process of the detachment!

What about thier hearts… I hate hurting others… its a catch 22 situation, both ways I play it somebody… normally both of us gets hurt. I cannot go thru what I went thru last time, I refuse to inflict that on another… I refuse to cause that stress on another simply for my pleasure in the in between! I couldn’t control myself last time and hurt the people involved… I won’t do it again!!!

So now, that light in the parallel universe seems to be getting brighter… the hurt I might inflict on one, may not be so hard on me, because this light seems right… I feel so guilty that this happens to me, and I get placed in a position of choice… go one way, or go the other…

Going left hurts me, but saves Lefts heart and Right goes alone!!!
Going right saves me & hurts the Lefts heart!!!

WHY… this is to much for me to handle…

Resigned to Singleness

The emotional pain, of resigning yourself to the fact that you will be single the rest of your life is something unimaginable. You know the cost of your decision… pain, loneliness, anger, emotional hurt. Added to your pain the deep down knowledge that you know you cannot remain single your entire life. And as an onion is multi layered on top of it all, this decision is something that even though you made it personally, even though its something you chose to do…. Its more than just a ‘decision’ that can be overturned, its ingrained in your being, and as much as you try to over power it, its hard coded into your operating system, a reboot will not remove this code… You begin to justify other reasons why you wouldn’t be happy settling down, fading beauty, complex relational issues, fights, children, finances.

The anger takes over, the anger begins to be the source of your power, the negativity, the depro sense of a world set out to crush your being, like looking out into the abyss of fog with not a single speck of light to illuminate the depths. Its the negativity that powers your life, motivates you to keep going, to keep hoping against all odds that that one connection will be made, above all the odds.

U can see a distant, faint flicker of something, but its out of reach, out of range, its actually in a parallel universe, you’re caught in the darkness with the knowledge that these universes will not merge, cannot merge!

Just a Few Companions Thanks!!!

[kuhm-pan-yuhn] :- a person who is frequently in the company of, or accompanies another
[lohn-lee] :- lone; solitary; without company; companionless

We all so automatically desire to have friends, and if not friendship be in a relationship with another. Everyone automatically links a way to solve their own loneliness by being in a relationship, its like… yay, I have got someone now who will forever solve my loneliness problems… ergh, for crying out loud. Are you really lonely?! Do you not have friends.. do you not work somewhere where you are surrounded by people, you walk into a shopping center and are surrounded by random people. Loneliness would find its ultimate perfection in the ‘I am Legend’ universe. No one can classify themselves as lonely.
So for those not seeking the permanent attachment to another, those not seeking to be filled with the life of another simply to remove their own fear of being alone… those seeking a distraction to their own lives, it becomes quiet simple. Maintain your friendships to those around you, in theory find companions. Not just one, but many!

So my post ‘Everywhere I look, People making Connections‘ still stays true for those only connecting for the sake of a relationship with another! Then again, who said I couldn’t change my mind!!! HAHA

Everywhere I look, People making Connections

[kuh-nek-shuhn] :- the state of being connected

Like Dexter says, ‘Everywhere I look, people are making connections…’ friendly, romantic, whatever! Human connection just leads to messy emotions, attachment, jealousy and complications.

My previous post Re: Are You just the Next Piece of Art, is so true! I was wondering around my local shopping mall this morning, watching everyone. Either people are together in pairs or groups. If they’re walking alone, chances are they’re checking people out wishing they could be connected with them. I won’t lie, I wonder around also looking at everyone.. and I notice everyone.
Those people that really stand out to me, well yes I get the emotional desire to know them better and become ‘attached’…. but then it hits me, ‘is that what I really want from that person’, coz all I know about them is what they look like. The answer?!? No!!!! Coz actually I don’t want anything from that person… I don’t even know them! I could let myself go with my thoughts, but that just leads to more messy complications.

Lets not even go further, its simple… they’re pretty, they’re nice to look at, they’re art…. but what are the odds that they will ever meet my most basic of standards… yes I know, its sad to say that I have such standards, but these are not standards I will ever bend on… there are, at the end of the day, only two!!! Two standards which control my life, two standards which make me, Me!

The ‘art pieces’ that attract my attention, 9 out of 10 times don’t meet either of the two criteria and thus… why bother?! Why Bother?!

Why Bother?! Coz I maybe pleasantly surprised!!! Coz one day maybe that one ‘art piece’ turns out to be the perfect one! The one that maybe, just maybe I could spend the rest of my life with!!! Thus we must allow ourselves to go out and make those messy connections. Hey, maybe the one messy connection in fact introduces you to ‘the’ one!!!

Who knows, this is life, and we’re living it right now… so go take that risk!!!

Marriage, Dating, Relationships!!!

[ri-ley-shuhn-ship] :- an emotional or other connection between people

Okay so we all seem so besotted with dating, relationships and getting married. Its like everyone’s ‘ultimate’ goal in life is to land up married… I’ve been thinking and talking to a lot of people about this lately. Its like as young adults we feel as though life has not begun until we have found that other ‘better half’. Its becoming increasingly seemingly useless to me… I am not keen on bringing life into this world, not in its negative downward spiraling of moral, financial and ethical behaviors. The world has gone to the dogs…

Consider these verse’s written by Paul.

• 1Cor 7:1 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.
• 1Cor 7:8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.
• 1Cor 7:9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

So… okay… if you take this litterally then its pretty straight forward aint it… Don’t marry… unless you cannot control yourself. Obviously it also says early on in Genesis that it is not good for man to be alone.

[uh-lohn] :- separate, apart, or isolated from others

So alone is total seperation. You can go thru life not being married and not being alone. U would have to lve on a deserted island in the tropics somewhere for you to be totally alone. ln life you will always be surrounded by people… home, work, friends… come on, technically your never alone!

A Fictional World!!!

[fik-shuhn] :- something feigned, invented, or imagined; a made-up story.

Again, yesterday I was wondering around the local shopping center outside my work. I wondered down the magazine isle and sure enough (coz seriously what are the odds) my eye caught a female model on the cover of well, quiet a few magazines.

The next thought that went thru my head was,
‘No where in this world will you ever meet someone that looks like that!’
‘They are all so airbrushed and ‘perfect’, there is just no way!’
‘This is what the world is telling us ‘perfect’ is!!’
‘How could everyone go around in reality airbrushed?!
‘Its impossible, there is no one who is as flawless as an airbrushed magazine, photoshop retouched, colour corrected, glossy human!’
‘So are we living in a made up world?! Or are they telling us there is a better world out there?!’
‘Are we living in a made up world, and they’re living in the ‘perfect’ world?!’

Anyway, the thoughts went AWOL from there on, but seriously… we get presented this ‘perfect’ world every day… and its not out there… no one looks that good all the time… chances are those people who look ‘perfect’ and actually completely screwed up in their heads, or in some other aspect of their lives…

I dunno, are we real?! Or are they?!

Would You Settle?!

[set-l] :- to gather, collect, or become fixed in a particular place, direction, etc.

So again, thanks to a friend a seed has been planted in my head. I was around at her house last night, and over nice cuppa hot chocolate, we got discussing life, love and everything else. At the point where we were discussing love & marriage she made an interesting comment that has stuck with me all day. She said, ‘When I am standing at the end of the isle next to my hubby to be… I do not want to be thinking I am settling’ Okay, yes I slightly worded it differently to fill in some blanks from the conversation, but the crux of the matter is the last section, ‘I do not want to be settling!’ She does not want to one day when she is married think, ‘Wow, I just settled for what was there in my life at that moment!’

I so agree!!! I could never settle for anything less than what I presume to be the perfect girl for me! Now in love I am a perfectionist, so at the end of the day I am pretty much screwed, but I will never settle for anyone just because they seem like the right person at the right time… they need to be the RIGHT person forever.

I have hard rules on marriage… I will marry once, and I do not believe in divorce… If all goes to hell, I will divorce, but will never re-marry. The marriage vow goes, ’till death do us part!’ thus only death will truly part us!! The pressures are MASSIVE, and thus the settling for just anything is not an option!

Its just not an option!!!

A Jane Austen Life – part 2

So I think if I also die at age 42, I will probably be better off for it!!! Its the point at which your life takes a down turn, its the point where you really begin to feel like age is taking over… everyday begins to be exactly the same, because you get set in your way.

Now if I am unmarried, only living life for myself, then what would be the point. Being the romantic type its in my nature to be romanced, and to romance others… this age would also leave me in a position where most people would have already settled down, married and my choices for a wife or anyone to share my life with would probably be about 0%

Its a tough place to be in, knowing that your future for romance and a life with another looks pretty bleak, looks pretty empty, bare, a wasteland where nothing lives or grows.

I will have loved and lost, loved and lost, sticky tape that has lost its tack. The hope of ever finding someone will be null… thus the end should be, would be nigh!!!

A Jane Austen Life

It has come to my attention that I too desire to live the life of those many, described by the late Jane Austen. Each one, in many a case, searching for more than merely wealth. It is the current beliefs and way of life that detests me so much. I seek to be, to be more than the current mindset, I desire a life filled with affection. True affection where each moment with the other is a truly unique and a powerful moment. I shall not marry without affection, and will not repress my feelings. A life without feelings or affection is a life not lived. If my feelings guide me, as they do, I find myself pondering, ‘is my life destined to become repetitive?’

‘What do I mean?’, do I hear you ask.. It was a trait through all her novels, however her novels end happily, that each person seems to want more from life, not willing to settle for what is before them. Therefore this life, the one that I live this very moment, appears to have a simple plan. Live a life seeking the ultimate affection of another! I seek someone of such impeccable disposition that only love would cloud my judgment long enough for me to see them as that very person. They would need to have lived such a life of propriety that would at least be equal to, or greater than my own.

I am one for making my sentiments fully known, and this can lead to many an emotion. If I am disposed to think of her as amiable, many a time will I let my affections be known. We may become close and affectionate, but it does not take very long for that impeccable disposition to wither, and for some foul news to make this one person not as agreeable as was originally thought!

I have become one to simply observe those around me, to interact and view life as from anothers vantage, it is as though I have become a storyteller of my own life… however this storyteller cannot see the great and wonderful ending everyone seeks. It has been predisposed that I will repeat this pattern – meet, grow to love, and then very shortly afterward the fall will come. It will be done with the purest of hearts and the utmost of true meaning, but what has been set in motion becomes increasingly more difficult to stop.