i really shouldn’t be alone tonight! i’m depressed enough as it is, and to be left alone to my thoughts pushes me below any stable norm that i at least have grown to be comfortable with. i have basically realised this week how little of life i have experienced, just turned 28 and hardly to have done a thing in life. so i sit here drinking my beer waiting for my pizza realising how low my life has gone… if anything this is the newest low possible. look at the date… 22 decemeber i should happy right, close to family, friends, fuck… anyone at least! i can’t take this any more, i know what life is meant to be, how its meant to feel, and this is not it. they say once you reach the bottom you can only go up, so true… only problem is when you’re not even sure if you have hit the bottom, what if there are still 20 storeys below you? crap could you imagine, maybe some have… and thought f it!

its time, time to get the fuck out, not just say it but to fucking do it… time to create the escape plan, time to set the ball rolling, time to scheme, hunt, seek and make this escape possible. i don’t think i can take this for too much longer not when i have now realised what i have left behind.

my dislike/hatred of cape town is a complicated mind f%#k of a situation. like i have said before, I am supposed to be happy right? and i guess during some situations I do find happiness… when? do I hear you ask?! well i won’t lie i love my surfing its a great distraction that gets me out into the sea (even though last week we were out when the shark sirens went off) it keeps me fit and I am not gonna complain about that. i love my girlfriend too, we get each other, we enjoy each others company. i love every minute i spend with her!

its just a damn shame i realised this morning on my way to work why i love spending so much time with her, she is a great distraction, she moves my mind, replaces my thoughts/irritations with cape town, she is a bubble of happiness that protects me from this city. interestingly she has used the bubble analogy when speaking about her time spent with me… just i had not realised how closely related my situation is to her bubble analogy. the unfortunate reality is that the bubble is destined to burst, every time she drives away from me, or i drop her off at home without a single moment of hesitation my mind snaps back to the hatred and loathing of cape town. its good that this bubble does not travel with me and cloud my judgement of this city, skewing me into some illusion of enjoyment of my time in this city!

so i sit, at work, at home, in traffic loathing where i am, loathing the fact that i currently have no real options but to stay…. kicking myself that i don’t have the guts to take the risk and throw caution to the wind and leave this place that so brings me down!

had a chat with a friend recently… here is an excerpt from said conversation!

• Me: not feeling inspired, wishing I was anywhere but work, anywhere but cape town
• Me: kinda depro and bitter today actually
• Her: cape town is not that bad
• Her: bitter jeez i better stay away from you
• Me: cape town isn’t that bad… come here on holiday, etc… but I am over living here
• Her: so you should be on holiday…In CT, not working
• Me: yes and not living here
• Me: wanna be back in Jozi
• Her: Whats so great about Jozi?
• Me: its home
• Me: its where my heart and soul find happiness
• Her: why?
• Me: it has an energy that motivates me, inspires me
• Me: the air is dry & thin, it doesn’t wiegh me down
• Me: the openness of space feels free, letting me go anywhere, be anywhere
• Me: here I can never escape the mountain, constantly in my eye-line

i’m just so tired lately, so unfocused, so lost! wandering without direction for the first time in my life! its a feeling unknown to me.. i used to have goals, purpose… now I sit here unsure of anything, unsure of tomorrow, unsure of whats next. dammit i wish i could dig my self out of this, i am normally such a positive person yet here I sit sounding completely depressed!

i need to escape this place, escape this worry!

up and down the peninsula every day, driving the same road over and over!!! how do you people do it, its insanity! oh wait that’s right you live in that concrete jungle of hipsters and dirty hippies, that concrete and tar oozing heat…. through summer the place is like a melting pot where its easier to vomit blood than breathe! yes cape town city bowl i’m talking about you, you sick perverted city!

why is it everywhere I go recently especially in this city I meet sick disgusting people?!? have you ever heard the saying from Eleanor Roosevelt, ‘Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.’ cape town should read it an weep! I have never known so many sexually obsessed shallow minded people in my life… its like i’m playing in the shallow end of the kiddies pool of wisdom and knowledge, good grief!! it sickens me, last week friday I actually walked out of a party one hour in… I simply could not tolerate the filth I was sitting with…

I’m trying to change my outlook on this city, trying to find happiness and positivity, but when I am surrounded by all this its not a simple task! trying to take to heart the words of Mahatma Gandhi, ‘be the change you wish to see in the world.’ is not as simple as it sounds! The external factors influence and force us to react… if it was that simple I think the world would be a totally different place to that which you see today! I need to escape it, I find peace and happiness the minute leave… so why don’t I just get up and leave? that’s what I am asking myself right now!!!

I’ve had enough of this bullshit!!!

its another plain old evening, whilst the damp coastal air slowly rusts everything dear to me, i consider what it was i have left behind that i miss so dearly! cape town you have simply held me at gun point and robbed me of the intangible. robbed may even be the wrong word, tortured, raped or even brainwashed work be better… i find everything i do to be an effort the motivation to go places ripped from me, the constant back and forth up the same god forsaken peninsula drives me to near suicide… yet if i am to cling onto any semblance of what i once knew and loved, i must, the simple joys of going to movies at a nearby mall or clubbing with friends have become a chore involving kilometers of travel, winding all in the wrong direction and when taking the most direct route you are exposed to prostitution, homelessness, dirty train tacks that run through disgusting dilapidated suburbs of a generation already rotten, areas so dark and devoid of civil life its like driving thru hell… so i don’t, i hide myself from it, avoid it… but whats this, a mountain blocks me from my destination, a shitty road network of illogical and badly thought out intersections that never lead directly to your destination. complicated by undisciplined drivers drifting from lane to lane without indication unsure of their own directions.

finally arrive, but whats this? no parking, cramped like a sportsman after a long run or a women during pms, a pain… the search begins a block away if you’re lucky, or down some dodgy one way ally, inner city abortion!!!! do you see the mountain? can you enjoy the sea? you’ll pay extra on your meal for that benefit, nothing goes without being taxed in this ‘beautiful city’ i have seen only your ugly side! show me the ‘beautiful’ show me the safe… women unable to walk in the ‘beautiful’ forest because of bergies, then where? the malls? we have those in joburg, with free parking none the less… get it rght cape town!!!

a city where to ‘fit in’ you must ‘stand out’ look like a fool to fit in because every soul is lost, confused and ultimately directionless… choose, be something, and for crying out loud be yourself…. not the whacked spastic lumo green nerd glasses of the self you think you are just because everyone else is wearing them with their one size too small skinny jeans! stop drinking dammit, what are you drowning away? the sorrow of your life in this city that you oh so love, but have not ever experienced anything better?

open your eyes cape town!!!

wishing I had the wisdom of all the worlds peoples tonight… collectively knowing all decisions, feelings, consequences of the past!!! a decision that weighs upon me like the weight of the world… could simply be the silliest thing from the collective point of view… something i hold so dearly to may be nothing at all…

but how will i know… how will i make the decision and know its consequences before i make the decision… its the one decision i don’t want to be wrong… i’m a control freak at heart and this is one of those parts of my life i like to be in control of, so how am i expected to let it go? i can’t… each day my mind swings from one decision to the next, a pro con list is useless to me… its not a matter of pros and cons… its a matter of should i or shouldn’t i…

i guess the bigger question here will be… will i ever find the confidence, the wisdom to make this choice, or will i simply live in fear of it?

its days like these i really wish i did not live in your city! i seem to continually suffer for the life i have here, restricted by your own physicality! my mind rots within my skull as i become lazy unable to find motivation for life… thoughts and opinions i once held dear seem too far away to cling too and thus i question my being. i feel the pain of relationship, i find myself in one… wholly content… she is exactly what i need. yet why do i sit here ready to leave this bowl… i hate what it has made me and i know that the person i am giving to her is certainly not me. the real me is waiting for me to return.

my body fights me, rejecting my mind. spine unable to support all of that which lies above. work expects the fullest of my being… i give my all.. yet what is left for me? i have so much to do, so much of life lies ahead… i just can’t. the energies of my city have long since left me, rejected by my own life source… the power cord unplugged, voltage no more.

implosion is coming, and i hope i come out alive…. at least

days grow shorter as we near the middle of the cold months, sleep, my bed seem like my closest friends whilst I dream of more to come, more to gain, more to experience. sadly they remain dreams and never form. i edit, copy, attempt to improve upon a life that most might think most perfect yet i strive, desire more. can you blame me… i’m bored, internal and external forces guide my habits so close. the freedom i so desire, i fear. my mind clings tight as soul dreams of more. i grow more and more stuck in my own mind, trapt by my own desires and fears.

i see the light, i feel its warmth near me yet it always seems so far. the dreams of my youth achieved, now time to seek out new goals in which to score. its all to familiar a process that has come before repeating… this time however we plan it differently, go about it from a new angle, new perspective. aiming to achieve and accomplish.

so where do we go from here? passionate to move forward but lost for direction!